Thursday's forgetfulness and Ella's Race tomorrow

I am having a hard time.

I am exhausted no matter how much I sleep

or

how active I try to be.

I am also having a hard time focusing

and

haven't shaken yesterday yet.

I guess just as the children I am a creature of routine

and habit.

I got to read to D's class.

So I parked in different spot of his preschool.

Once the reading was done,

school was over.

I took D and Logan and we went to where I parked.

I got the Boys in the car and drove home.

I pulled into our drive, put the van in park,

turned off the van

and

our Logan was standing behind me!

Apparently, I never strapped him in and he did not

complain.

I feel like a horrible failure.

I have before wondered if I did not strap them in

due to habit and ritual

and

will look in my mirror for a visual.

This did not happen.

Thankfully he was not hurt

however, I am hurt with myself.

I am not happy about it

and can't shake it.

I then later on unbuckled him after

getting him from school and forgot I did that (the unbuckling).

Then I panicked if I forgot again (to buckle him)

but when I retraced my steps I am 99% sure

I did unbuckle him.

Earlier this week I was so happy I made a big dinner.

I got everything finished together

at the same time.

Nothing was burnt and

was served warm (not hot or cold)

I feel like I just finally broke in the

kitchen at this house.

I also cleaned up.

So a complete meal start to finish.

One that required chopping stuff, while cooking

and baking multiple things.

I feel like I passed a dip in the roller coaster of life.

But then I forgot to buckle Bitty..

Then last night I reheated something on our

“low output” burner,

we have a gas stove.

At bedtime I I thought I smelled

gas in our upstairs hall way

but,
 blamed it on just having the stove top

on earlier.

I did not say anything
and
 convinced

myself not to check it.

I fell asleep pretty quickly,

I was wiped.

I woke when D climbed in our bed

after a while I kept smelling gas again.

I mention it to Andrew.

He did not smell anything. I laid

there in bed telling myself it was nothing.

Andrew gets up and showers and I pass back out.

(like I did not sleep the entire night.)

The next thing I know the 2 kids that were in our bed

were gone
and
 Andrew is waking me.

I indeed smelled gas,

he confirmed the burner was on all night long.

It was on low so you could barely see it.

So, as I know I should trust my crazy dog nose,

I am glad that I trust my gut

and
 don't store things over night on top our stove burners.

Say like a child's lunch box..

I know I should trust my gut

I do and at times I try to convince myself

it is just paranoia or just flat our crazy,

then things like this happen
.

I was right..I know better.

Sometimes life is just ca-razy,

It could be worse, it could be better.

So many people go through so much more so why complain?!

I am nervous and exhausted today.

Tomorrow, I am signed up to run a 5K.

I wanted to go to it last year but was only

10 days post craniotomy,
but
I REALLY wanted to be there.

It is “Ella' Race.”

A little girl used to go to Aidan's school.

A couple years ago she passed away from

a diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma,

an inoperable aggressive brain tumor.

My Sister had told me about her,
I, at the time signed up for her Family's care page to

follow.

I learned of her passing
and
 it made me sad.

February 8, 2012, this was 12 days prior to

me learning of my irregular MRI.

So, last year her first 5k in memory of her I felt I really

wanted to go.

This year was a must.

It will also be a practice 5K for me

in prep of the Angels Among Us.

I have not been training like I want to.

Today,  my chest burns and stomach flips

on top of

just being exhausted lately

and

always feeling car sick when I am just looking down

in a non-moving car
or
 not even in a car.

Tomorrow, will also be a big day for Aidan also.
He is coming to the 5K too.
He also wants to run...

At his school when you are in Kindergarten

you get assigned an 8^th grade Buddy.

Well, Ella has a big brother, he is now in 8^th grade.

He is Aidan's KinderBuddy.

I wasn't surprised when I found out.

I was also informed that the school “manipulates”

things.

That said, well, perhaps the school is just trying

to help people have Faith.

Inspire Faith, that is so lacking at times

in this world.

Inspire that people are brought together

for a reason

or

moved apart for a reason.
**Not speaking of a child's passing **

Like I said last year, I REALLY wanted to be there

and
toyed

whether I would introduce myself

or

if I would chicken out

or

be observed as an odd ball looney toon.

I can only say trust your gut

and

have Faith.

Having Faith doesn't mean

that things don't hurt,

or

you don't stress.

It all just happens.

 Stressing, worrying, hurting

does not mean we don't

have Faith.

Perhaps, it is just a calling to show us where

were should look.

We can try and fail

over and over again.

We may learn things are not to happen

as this time..
or

That there are bigger and uglier things

we are being shielded from.

It doesn't make sense at all.

But, it is not for us to try and understand.

We have Faith that this is the Path

we are to travel.

Do we struggle?

Yes

and

we must carry on.

Do we all fail at this?

Yes, yes we do.

We ALL do.

We must get back up and carry on.

That said,

I am picking up my tired self

and
going to check on our Little's.

I am going to aim to get things done I hope to today.

I am going to hope
and
 fight to

have patience,
happiness

and

make sure I do not over look all of the little Blessings that

will shine today.

And try to forgive myself for all of my forgetfulness

yesterday that has only increased my motion sick feeling.

Today is a new and beautiful day

and

tomorrow will be too.

Now commencing my battle with myself...