Life Marches On..

Too much time has passed since the last post.

I have a few entries saved however,

they need some editing.

This will be a post that is not edited,

so I am preemptively apologizing for the

possible lack of flow.

Summer was fun and quick.

We found an awesome pool to join.

Biggun' did swim and tennis

and had a blast.

As always you meet nice and people

and a

few who don't seem so nice.

Overall, we are pleased and happy to join again this year.

Biggun' started first grade

and

has 2 amazing teachers who he adores.

They have blow our minds with

all they do.

Bitty enjoyed the pool over the Summer too.

He was always done by about 1.5 hours at the pool though.

He saw a few big kids he knew there.

OK, well the big kids recognized him.

Thanks to the awesome set up that

the Elementary school

he did Pre-K at had.

He got to eat lunch and spend parts of his day

with the 5^th graders.

We met some really sweet ones at the pool.

It melted our hearts.

Bitty is now doing Transitional Kindergarten

at a great developmental based preschool

that we have eye balled for a few years.

Now since we live so close to it,

it was a simple and easy choice.

He is thriving so well there

and

soon will have his Kindergarten

Screening to see if Aidan's Elementary school

can accommodate his current needs.

D loves all things water.

He begs to go to the pool still.

D began his second year of preschool

and is thoroughly enjoying it.

He really loves it there.

He is in a class of all Boys!!

They are a sweet bunch with

two teachers who are amazing too.

We really have been blessed with amazing teachers

all around for all Boys so far.

D is growing so fast

and

at times we realize

we are forgetting what a typical developing child he is.

From where our “standards” were with Bitty at this age

we are floored

and

blinded sided by

what D does.

He is like his big brother's LOVES numbers, letters and puzzles.

I don't know how many random people comment on how

engineer-like our Boys are.

I smile and nod.

They are like their Daddy.

Funny, how the last post was on the topic of Heaven.

On October 1 our Sweet Goofy Cooper

went to Heaven.

Cooper is January 2009

He had been out of sorts for a while.

I was always afraid I would find him eternally sleeping.

His last month or two on Earth was

going to the Vet

and

me sounding like the crazy lady

who did not agree with what the Vet said.

Things just did not add up.

Needless to say, Andrew talked to the vet office

and

took Cooper in.

It was at a time we both cold not go

so he came home form work.

I did the typical Tuesday rounds of carpool

and

Bitty's appointments with therapists.

The vet did a blood draw on our Sweet older 9 year old Cooper.

The blood draw was a drastic difference than a few months before.

Andrew was by himself

and

got to hear some rough news regarding our precious

Cooper.

Acute Lymphatic Leukemia.

His blood was showing signs of the terrible downhill move.

As in what typically happens is horrible, bleeding out from the lungs.

Our Cooper was also no longer eating.

He was refusing even his most favorite foods.

I went into crazy Dog Mommy mode of cooking

chicken and rice to try and get him to eat.

We always talked about our Pups

and

said we would never worry about Cooper

until he did not eat.

We were there.

He started vomiting.

We had a choice to make.

So, we kept our routine normal the next

day

and

got our Boys to school.

We tried to get a last photo of our two pups but

Roxy wouldn't go near Cooper

and

Cooper wouldn't go near her.

We then took Cooper to the vet for the final time.

We said Good Bye for now.

Then life keeps moving.

Andrew had to go to work

and

I had to go get the Boys from school.

Then we had to have the Heaven

talk with the Boys.

Needless to say, they still ask about our Cooper.

They want us to go get him from Heaven and bring him home

since Cooper is all better now.

Yup.

I hope to post a quick Biggun' and D Birthdays, Christmas and New Years blurb to get some version of caught up.

I then hope to add a few entries of writing I have been sitting on for a while.

6 year olds Heaven and Faith Conversation

A conversation I had with Aidan in mid June. 

Laying with Aidan at bedtime tonight,

I talked of my Great Uncle and Aunt who

we visited with today.

My Uncle is my Maternal Grandmother's

youngest brother.

He and my Aunt are my Godparent's.

They are also Logan's.

This brought on Aidan's need
to list who everyone's

Godparent's are.

Then I got asked how were my siblings and I

brother's and sisters.

I stated that we all have the same Mom and Dad.

I listed the birth order and stated how it was

like his brothers and him.

He then told me how his oldest cousin and him

are the oldest children.

I listed out that actually all 4 of his Grandparent's

are the oldest Children.

I listed all the Children in each of their families.

It came down to listing my Dad's siblings.

In that list is my Aunt Luanne, my Aunt Carol

and

of course I had to

mention there was also Tommy.

I never met Tommy.

I guess I should say, Uncle Tommy.

But he never got to grow up on Earth.

My Grandma, one of my Great Aunts,

Dad, Aunt Luanne and Tommy were in a bad car accident.

Tommy did not survive.

Aidan asked how Tommy died.

Biggun' is detail oriented.

So, the basic and general explanation is below:

I began with, it was before seat belts.

(at least back seat ones)

In this accident people were hurt.

His Great Grandma

broke her neck,

a Sister of his Great Grandpa's broke both thighs,

Grandpa had a cut on his face,

Aunt Luanne got knocked out of the car

and

Tommy (2 years old) hit the windshield

and

went to Heaven.

This of course brought on the Heaven talk.

He quickly asked, How did Uncle Larry die?

*My Aunt Luanne's Husband, Larry

went to Heaven in December of 2012. *

I said, he had something called an

aneurysm.

Aidan asked, what is that?

I said, it is when a blood vessel (he knows about arteries and veins)

get a bubble that pops.

I said, it could be anywhere in a body.

It happens to some people.

He then says:
My Kinderbuddy, Jack's Little Sister Ella

went to Heaven.

She had a bad spot in her brain,

they couldn't do anything for her

and

it made her go to Heaven.

Insert me being grateful for the darkened room

due to the tears in my eyes.

(My fear he may ask me a question regarding my “bad spot”)

I agreed with him.

I said, but all of those people are in Heaven with Jesus now.

They are healthy and happy and will live with Him forever.

I said, you know, Ella could have played with Tommy

or even Uncle Larry.

I then get asked,where is Heaven?

I counter, Where do you think?

He says, in outerspace.

I said, that sounds like a good place.

He says, I guess I will find out when I go there.

I told him that in Heaven,

everyone is healed and happy.

They are living with God, Jesus, the Saints

and Everyone.

He then tells me, you know animals go to Heaven too.

I bet Ella has played with Bacchus (one of my Sister's dogs).

I said, I bet she has.

I then listed the dogs of his Grandparent's.

I said, She has probably also played with Buddy, Jenny, Gracie and Dixie.

I then layed there overwhelmed and teary.

I gave him his kisses and blessings

then closed his door.

What a moment.

I came straight downstairs to record it as freshly as I could.

I did not want to forget details.

I do not want to forget the memories/moments.

I want to have things documented to keep for myself or at times to share.

A story is never ending, things may seem meaningless

and
at other times not.

This blog is my journal, our Family story,

shared with the most possible honesty of

our moments to share.

Also, with the stories of our Children

I want to capture the Beauty, Faith, Honesty

and non-biased view of the world they see.

I hope this post has reached some people's hearts.

As one day, a conversation like this may even be more close

to home.

As I hope it is not, but know at some point these things will happen.

I only hope a solid and hopeful base

fills our Boys.

April already?!

April showers, bring May flowers.

How are we already in the fourth month of this year?

A third of the way into 2014!

April is Autism Awareness Month,

now I know as I have been told in the past

every month as multiple things

that the goal is raising awareness

of.

I like to share

ones that are a big part of our

every day life.

And yes, with Autism

my goal is to ping it also

in preparation for the

local 5K fundraiser event.

For this month it also brings

our Bitty's Birthday.

This time has gone so fast

and

he has grown so much.

He also teaches us things on a

daily basis.

Some of the big ones are indeed

helping us maintain patience,

understanding

and

not passing judgment.

Not only for ourselves but towards others.

This is a big thing in our society

for sure.

It sure seems (trying to not be judging)

that everyone is in a hurry,

expects they are owed everything or anything,

mad if they don't get it

and

quick to add their two cents to anyone.

Just think of the days when

you are in your car.

Going the speed limit or maybe a tad over

but this doesn't stop people

from being behind you

way too close

or

throwing their hands up (while tail gating also)

when someone doesn't punch the gas

the moment the light turns green.

(And you will see someone blowing through the most recent light that turned red.)

I used to always be in a hurry

and

some days are later than I want to be

and

it does bug me.

We have appointments to get to,

if you are late you get charged,

if you are late you don't get

as much time.

This is big when you look at it in the eyes

of therapy appointments.

If I am late Logan gets less time

with the wonderful people

who help bring him out of

Loganland.

I don't want to do that to him.

Some days we are just late,

I try to take deep breaths,

I give them a heads up,

I let them know I understand

he will have less time

and

apologize for being late.

Some days it's because

getting myself and others ready is hard.

No matter how early I try,

we still run late.

It could be due to shoes not being what they want,

clothes,

potty battles,

or just

an all around

fit-tastic morning

where one of the kiddos

or

heck some days

me,

having trouble regulating ourselves.

Everyone has an off day on patience

or

focusing to complete a task/goal.

That said for others it is even harder

and

it is fierce.

On those days or moments when things are rough,

a lot of times it is Bitty and his Autism.

He can be really put up a fight.

That said, we are glad he is so small.

We work on helping him grow

and

keep weight on.

He is so small, heck the other day

someone asked if he was 2!!

But, I say if he was the size of our other 2

and

he goes into full meltdown mode

it would be even more difficult to work with.

He has a time limit of being in a crowd/busy playground/outside in bright sun..the list goes on.

He did really well at the 5k the other weekend.

He is almost 5 and we brought the jog stroller.

That is another topic of judgment, we see.

People thinking you are encouraging your Children to be lazy.

When I see or hear people say that I step up

and say, “Things aren't always what they seem.”

That doesn't usually pan out well

but with the goal of

making people aware it should be said.

Not rudely, just matter of factly.

We all at times find ourselves thinking things

the biggest is telling yourself that

it may not be what it seems.

Be kind.

We bring a stroller because Logan

gets over stimulated.

The noise, the crowd,

the idea of mass chaos.

To him he doesn't see the organization,

he needs clear cut lines and boundaries.

Then add anxiety of being near people.

Will they touch me?

Will they be too loud?

Will they smell funny?

The lights are too bright?

And he goes into meltdown mode but that stroller

offers him comfort, seclusion,

it is like blinders for a horse.

The stroller helps him tune out that he is a crowd.

He will shut down

into a blank stare,

he doesn't feel safe in a crowd

but that stroller offers him security to

stay a bit longer (so our other 2 can keep enjoying it)

but we soon

leave just out of respect and kindness of his struggle.

Our Bitty will snuggle,

when he wants to

and his

snuggle is different from most kids.

He will handle crowds

but heck, like at Church

or

even last night watching a movie with us.

He has to sit being only near

one person.

He prefers to be on an end.

End of a pew where he doesn't feel trapped,

or like last

night he sat next to me on the end of the couch.

*Actually, particular enough he prefers to sits only on a far right end *

As in the below image:

Bitty is the star.

He will move around but always comes back to the star location.

It was the first time we all ever have sat down

and

watched a movie together.

Usually our Boys can't sit still and most movies

are watched while on feet,

rocking,

or

literally running around from room to room.

When they do sit,

some are on the floor,

some on the love seat,

some on the couch,

they don't sit and are just in the room

standing.

Last night all 5 of us were on our couch.

Bitty next to an arm rest and me.

We were amazed and snapped photo

but to get all of us in it

I had to move Bitty to my lap.

He did not scream

but in the photo he was not happy

being that close.

And that is just fine.

We got a photo

and

it captured the moment in it's entirety.

We will cherish it forever.

Just a little rambling insight of

what is is like for us

on a few tiny aspects of the

Spectrum.

And how about a "typical" chat with him

that is not started by him.

Thursday's forgetfulness and Ella's Race tomorrow

I am having a hard time.

I am exhausted no matter how much I sleep

or

how active I try to be.

I am also having a hard time focusing

and

haven't shaken yesterday yet.

I guess just as the children I am a creature of routine

and habit.

I got to read to D's class.

So I parked in different spot of his preschool.

Once the reading was done,

school was over.

I took D and Logan and we went to where I parked.

I got the Boys in the car and drove home.

I pulled into our drive, put the van in park,

turned off the van

and

our Logan was standing behind me!

Apparently, I never strapped him in and he did not

complain.

I feel like a horrible failure.

I have before wondered if I did not strap them in

due to habit and ritual

and

will look in my mirror for a visual.

This did not happen.

Thankfully he was not hurt

however, I am hurt with myself.

I am not happy about it

and can't shake it.

I then later on unbuckled him after

getting him from school and forgot I did that (the unbuckling).

Then I panicked if I forgot again (to buckle him)

but when I retraced my steps I am 99% sure

I did unbuckle him.

Earlier this week I was so happy I made a big dinner.

I got everything finished together

at the same time.

Nothing was burnt and

was served warm (not hot or cold)

I feel like I just finally broke in the

kitchen at this house.

I also cleaned up.

So a complete meal start to finish.

One that required chopping stuff, while cooking

and baking multiple things.

I feel like I passed a dip in the roller coaster of life.

But then I forgot to buckle Bitty..

Then last night I reheated something on our

“low output” burner,

we have a gas stove.

At bedtime I I thought I smelled

gas in our upstairs hall way

but,
 blamed it on just having the stove top

on earlier.

I did not say anything
and
 convinced

myself not to check it.

I fell asleep pretty quickly,

I was wiped.

I woke when D climbed in our bed

after a while I kept smelling gas again.

I mention it to Andrew.

He did not smell anything. I laid

there in bed telling myself it was nothing.

Andrew gets up and showers and I pass back out.

(like I did not sleep the entire night.)

The next thing I know the 2 kids that were in our bed

were gone
and
 Andrew is waking me.

I indeed smelled gas,

he confirmed the burner was on all night long.

It was on low so you could barely see it.

So, as I know I should trust my crazy dog nose,

I am glad that I trust my gut

and
 don't store things over night on top our stove burners.

Say like a child's lunch box..

I know I should trust my gut

I do and at times I try to convince myself

it is just paranoia or just flat our crazy,

then things like this happen
.

I was right..I know better.

Sometimes life is just ca-razy,

It could be worse, it could be better.

So many people go through so much more so why complain?!

I am nervous and exhausted today.

Tomorrow, I am signed up to run a 5K.

I wanted to go to it last year but was only

10 days post craniotomy,
but
I REALLY wanted to be there.

It is “Ella' Race.”

A little girl used to go to Aidan's school.

A couple years ago she passed away from

a diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma,

an inoperable aggressive brain tumor.

My Sister had told me about her,
I, at the time signed up for her Family's care page to

follow.

I learned of her passing
and
 it made me sad.

February 8, 2012, this was 12 days prior to

me learning of my irregular MRI.

So, last year her first 5k in memory of her I felt I really

wanted to go.

This year was a must.

It will also be a practice 5K for me

in prep of the Angels Among Us.

I have not been training like I want to.

Today,  my chest burns and stomach flips

on top of

just being exhausted lately

and

always feeling car sick when I am just looking down

in a non-moving car
or
 not even in a car.

Tomorrow, will also be a big day for Aidan also.
He is coming to the 5K too.
He also wants to run...

At his school when you are in Kindergarten

you get assigned an 8^th grade Buddy.

Well, Ella has a big brother, he is now in 8^th grade.

He is Aidan's KinderBuddy.

I wasn't surprised when I found out.

I was also informed that the school “manipulates”

things.

That said, well, perhaps the school is just trying

to help people have Faith.

Inspire Faith, that is so lacking at times

in this world.

Inspire that people are brought together

for a reason

or

moved apart for a reason.
**Not speaking of a child's passing **

Like I said last year, I REALLY wanted to be there

and
toyed

whether I would introduce myself

or

if I would chicken out

or

be observed as an odd ball looney toon.

I can only say trust your gut

and

have Faith.

Having Faith doesn't mean

that things don't hurt,

or

you don't stress.

It all just happens.

 Stressing, worrying, hurting

does not mean we don't

have Faith.

Perhaps, it is just a calling to show us where

were should look.

We can try and fail

over and over again.

We may learn things are not to happen

as this time..
or

That there are bigger and uglier things

we are being shielded from.

It doesn't make sense at all.

But, it is not for us to try and understand.

We have Faith that this is the Path

we are to travel.

Do we struggle?

Yes

and

we must carry on.

Do we all fail at this?

Yes, yes we do.

We ALL do.

We must get back up and carry on.

That said,

I am picking up my tired self

and
going to check on our Little's.

I am going to aim to get things done I hope to today.

I am going to hope
and
 fight to

have patience,
happiness

and

make sure I do not over look all of the little Blessings that

will shine today.

And try to forgive myself for all of my forgetfulness

yesterday that has only increased my motion sick feeling.

Today is a new and beautiful day

and

tomorrow will be too.

Now commencing my battle with myself...

Also, Angels Among Us Video

Angels Among Us shared this yesterday. 

A few videos have been made for the 2013 year. 

These are some wonderful 

and

super smart people. 

I feel blessed to have been a part of it. 

I still have yet to make my post regarding

our experience at the event. 

It will come.  

It is a little over 7 minutes video. 

It is a good watch. 

Right at the end in the survivor walk

leading into the Family walk

we are there

and

Andrew is looking right on at the camera

Celebrating Angels Among Us from Blue Water Media on Vimeo.

Rogers?! Dodgers..Uterine?! Shmu-terine..

Here is the end of another Rogers' chaos week.

Just FYI we took the chance of putting our house on the market.

It was a week ago yesterday “active”

we only had 2 showings last Friday

and

one this Tuesday.

Tuesday, we got an offer.

By yesterday it “fell through”

the buyers apparently had an medical emergency and backed out.

We sure hope they are OK.

If it is meant to be, then it will sell.

So far, only 3 showings.

So, we shall see and another weekend of

possible rain.

Which typically keeps people from coming out.

So yes, our chaos.

I went to my OB-GYN today.

Yes, possibly TMI.

Anyways, my body has been off since

the craniotomy.

It has had some issues prior they just

increased greatly since March.

At the end of May the Doctor noticed

my uterus was enlarged feeling via exam.
(As did Andrew and I because I was looking like Carrie 12 weeks pregnant..)
He wanted an ultrasound

and

told me a possibility of a biopsy would happen.

Well, it did.

So now we wait.

The ultrasound looked normal enough

but with how it felt

and

what has been going on

a biopsy was done (uterine lining).

He will be out next week

but

said he would be sure someone would

call me next week with results

and

the following week

he would call me

and

we will talk and figure out a plan from there.

Good enough to me.

I was a tad dizzy/off feeling after it.

The nurse seemed worried

and

surprised since I talked through it all.

Andrew informed her, it was the face.

If you saw her face, she was in pain.

The Nurse surprised I could talk through pain.

I am honestly constantly in pain.

It is a norm unfortunately.

To the point our kids can't sit on my lap without

increasing pain I typically feel.

It is just me and my body saying something.

We're just trying to open our ears and figure it out.

So we shall patiently wait and see

probably “nothing.”

Meaning they don't understand these kind

of things

but

just like to be sure it is nothing “serious” ie: pre-cancer or cancer

There is more than enough to distract

and

like he mentioned it could be cramping most of the day.

I could take pain killers.

Well, according to the neuro-oncologist

professionals, I cannot do Advil anymore.

But, it really just feels like the normal pain I feel

from someone sitting on my lap

or

like yesterday after the x-ray tech

(for my urologist appointment..kidney stones check up)

just touching my lower abdominal

in order to feel for “land marks”
that I am lined up for a good shot

caused me pain for the rest of the day.

By the way, I have been stone free for 3 plus years now

by a simple diet modification

that increased my citric acid levels.

The power of the body is amazing.

I won't step on the soap box at this time.

So, I am clear from going there unless they come back again.

But I have kicked those stones butts. :)

So, now we wait

but shall stay busy and see what the phone call next week brings.

In the meantime we need more bread made, waffles, pizza dough.

The Boys would love some Mommy time

to read or color with,

or outside time in the back yard

I also need to put away laundry

and

wash some.

Make a grocery list..

you name it..

there I plenty to fill the time

till that phone rings.

Onto the back of my mind it goes

far way until necessary
and so the focus goes to these wonderful
blessings I have.

The Video that makes the point

Here is a clip of our Biggun' belting out 

some of the VBS songs. 

DD comes in near the end to sing also. 

On the video description there are a few of the lyrics posted. 

Again, as my point in the last post

how appropriate it all is to us. 

Time flies..

Oh My, it has been too long since I last posted.

The crazy wonderful chaos continues!

Our Biggun' finished preschool, he met his Kindergarten teacher,

saw his classmates and classroom too.

Here is a collage of his preschool years.

Where does the time go? This went so fast,

we are going to blink and he will be in middle school, then high school

then college?!

I know each stage of life is supremely special in its own way

I just can't have it go by too quickly.

I know the hard days seem to last incredibly long

even though they really don't

in comparison to it all.

June 13^th marked 3 months post-craniotomy.

Funny enough on this day, Aidan picked out his

Angels Among Us shirt.

Coincidence? Yes.

However, my heart always tells me there is a bigger

meaning behind it, even if he is not aware.

I take it as a sign.

You may not, I do.

We do what we must

but it helps me get through days.

All of this has not been easy on any of us in our Family.

I know this.

It also goes to show with how everyone reacts or treats us or even just me at times.

I try to not get mad,

we all must cope somehow.

I think some days people (not the ones in our home)

get mad that I am not mad.

I can't be mad, I have to see the good in it all

otherwise,

I would not be able to get out of the deep dark hole

I made for myself.

Trust me, with all we have been through I have learned that.

It is not fair to my wonderful Husband or our Children we have been given

That said, I am not graceful.

I try and fail every day.

Some days more than others.

As I got the last MRI report, it is hard.

As the ones that started out in February 2012, they said, “non-enchancing cystic lesion”

to the wonders of a congential tumor, to the finding out it is a glioma, more specifically an

astrocytoma with some oiligodendroglioma cells also.

To it being “benign” yet I have “pre-cancer” issues

to know since surgery my left over tentacles enhance with contrast dye

and are now deemed

“Malignant.”

Nice, huh?

That said, I am a Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Granddaughter, Niece, Friend

I won't let that shape me.

I am me, the other crap is just crap.

It is a given challenge to face.

I am who I am and will continue to be me.

I will not let all of that eat me apart.

Want a few facts?

**From http://www.abta.org/news/brain-tumor-fact-sheets/ **

For every 100,000 people in the United States, approximately 221 are living following the diagnosis of a brain tumor. This represents a prevalence rate of 221.8 per 100,000 persons.

Tumor-Specific Statistics

• Meningiomas represent 34% of all primary brain tumors, making them the most common primary brain tumor.
• Gliomas, a broad term which includes all tumors arising from the gluey or supportive tissue of the brain, represent 30% of all brain tumors and 80% of all malignant tumors.
• Glioblastomas represent 17% of all primary brain tumors, and 54% of all gliomas.
• Astrocytomas represent 7% of all primary brain tumors.
• Astrocytomas and glioblastomas combined represent 76% of all gliomas.
• Nerve sheath tumors (such as acoustic neuromas) represent about 9% of all primary brain tumors.
• Pituitary tumors represent 13% of all primary brain tumors.
• Lymphomas represent 2% of all primary brain tumors.
• Oligodendrogliomas represent 2% of all primary brain tumors.
• Medulloblastomas/embryonal/primitive tumors represent 1% of all primary brain tumors.
• The majority of primary tumors (34%) are located within the meninges, followed by those located within the frontal, temporal, parietal and occipital lobes of the brain (22%).

All that said, why be like everyone one else?
 This we all ready know, we are all individuals.

Also, most medications.. my body hates.

The side effects that are in the 6% or less range I usually get.

I have always forewarned medical staff this,

the few times I have been a situation that needed medication.

They just all smile and go on their way.

The wonderful professionals I am with now witnessed it.

They believe me and now since what happened post surgery

all my other MD's believe too.

Never dull I tell ya!

It will only give professionals more information to learn from.

Knowledge is power.

Since my surgery other issues have shown up and maintained.

I will have more information after another appointment this coming Friday.

Again, like I said earlier. I know the facts and I know my life.

It will not take me over.

I won't let it.

Life is not easy.

I remember being told that things that are easy

aren't worth having.

And

that is OK.

I am a tad exhausted from last week.

Last week was Vacation Bible School at our Church.

My Sister was one of the co-directors in it.

Volunteers took a while to fill in the last holes.

I told her to put me in the least liked one.

That way the others would more likely fill.

I have to say, last week was AWESOME!

I loved it!

Aidan thoroughly enjoyed it and the Little's had some fun too.

It was harder for Bitty and D

but they ended up doing well.

We got a CD of the songs we listened to all week.

In our home it has been listened to for weeks before VBS.

I know they are kid songs but

what they say are something very appropriate to

what you go through in life.

They fit with what is going on for us for sure.

I oversaw a group of pre-teen and early teenage Boys who were

to take photos each day and create a slide show for the end of

each day and

a bigger one for the finale that all Parent's are invited to.

It was a honor to work with young men who

were polite, nice, hard workers

and

were able to get the job done with little redirection.

They also got to give their input

and

put it into action.

I am exhausted from it

but would it again

in a heart beat.

Like I keep saying, I can let the crap tear me apart

or

do my duties 

and 

make the best of it all.

I don't want a deep dark hole.

I can see and acknowledge things are not easy

but 

there is so much more to everything

than just that one nasty spot.

We are 4 weeks from my next MRI.

With how things go, it will be here in a blink.

My next post will hopefully be sooner than then

and be the one I want to give to

the awesome Angels Among Us event in April.

They have posted on their site

all of the photos they took.

Just looking through them all the other day

brought me to tears.

At times it all seems like a dream and like it never really happened.

Then I touch my scar and still don't have all of my feeling back

on that area..

and..

it becomes real again.

Logey's 4 Yr Update and Momma's 31 updated

Bitty had a decent 4 year old check up.

The Doctor was thrilled with our

hopes and plans of

where he will be.

He was thrilled again with

all the help we supply to him.

He was even more thrilled

that we maintained it through all of

what is going on with me.

Bitty at 4 is

37.75 in tall (5%)

and

28.75 lbs (< 3 %)

He asked about his diet.

We explained how picky he is

and

how we work with it.

He was surprised and excited

and

said

we are giving him the best

well balance diet with

his picky self.

Yes.

Another area showing

Determination.

He was super happy.

He also remembered the other

Doctor talking about us

and

our situation.

I told him,

I am 31.

I won't die until 85-95 years old.

I am determined.

It will be done.

I know it is hard on everyone in our Family.

I know it is super incredible hard to even

try

and

wrap your mind around it,

accept it
or

really anything about it all.

It's not easy.

I just know I am stubborn.

I have for quite sometime wanted to be a Mother

I wanted only that.

OK, well, a wife too.

:)

But this is what I wanted

and

it is my job.

It will be done

and

continued to be done.

I won't lie.

Some days are not easy,

some are far from graceful.

Some days (more than others)

may be sending me to the

deep end

and

truly trying on every nerve

and

patience.

I am incredibly far from perfect

or

patient.

But I always try to go with my gut.

My Gut says, I will kick it.

I am determined

and

will do what we need to do for our Boys,

our Family.

God is giving us these challenges for a reason.

We get told we do well at things we do by a variety of people.

We don't see it that way,

we just see it as what we do

because we are supposed to

and

what we feel is best to do.

Perhaps we do, maybe that is part of why

we are challenged

because we will

perhaps get to something

super helpful for others out of it.

Knowledge, research, fund raising,

advocacy,

or

perhaps just simple enough

basic understanding

and

acceptance.

Who knows?!

I do truly feel we will slowly

be shown.

It will all be OK.

We will all find a way from it all.

When and how?!

Who knows,

I can only trust that He will

let us know at

the time we are needed.

It will all be OK.

I got my blood tests back today.

The NP says everything is normal!

It seems it's just the Keppra

and/or

stress

affecting how everything is going.

Today, after carpool for Logan and Aidan

I was able to walk our entire neighbor hood

with D, my Mom and our Babysitter.

I felt a little funny (kept it to myself)

but then felt a tad better.

I took a shower, fixed my hair,

ate some lunch,

took Logey in for his 4 year check up,

stopped by Target

and then headed home.

Finally at 5, my head pounded, felt swirly/dizzy/pressure/strange.

That is the longest it has taken to get to that point

AND
I did not nap.

I did take a few bouts of rest sitting today.

But HEY!!!

That is some progress!!

We'll see how tomorrow goes.

It will be just me and the Babysitter.

But we will see.

I had dinner and enjoyed it!

I drank some beer.

Yes...I did!

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!

I am here!

I will celebrate.

I may get a little slow sometimes,

my words may get a little mixed up

but

I AM HERE!!

I am now 31!

Ready to feel like I am finally

starting my 30's.

I will WIN!

My WONDEFUL Boot Camp people stopped by yesterday.

They brought me Gigi's Cupcakes and beer.

:)

They are AWESOME people.

Thanks for Everything Ladies!

Thanks for everything Everyone!

Thank you for kind thoughts and prayers,

for Food

or treats.

We appreciate it!

I am so HAPPY to have a glimpse of being

part of me again

and

hoping it continues

over the weeks.

No matter how it all goes.

I WILL STOMP IT!!

Uploading photos and videos from the real camera...

Hoping to post those in the next day or so.

Thanks Everyone!